On Grief and Grace

 

For  I am about to do something new. See I have already begun! Do you not see it? Isaiah 43:19

I don’t know what it is to be a mother.

It seems a funny thing to say since I have spent my life taking care of children but I suppose God has always given me a special grace not to get attached to the children I take care of, I am fond of them of course but when it comes time for me to move onto my next assignment, I don’t feel in any way heartbroken.

But yesterday, I believe I came as close as I ever  have to a motherly grief.

Parting with this little one was of the most excruciatingly painful moments of my life.

Cradling her tiny dying body in my arms, her huge eyes looking into mine-my heart was so racked with sorrow, I could hardly stand. I had to sit down.

A river of tears ran down my face as the vet confirmed to me that putting her down would be the kindest thing.

Yes, this was my cat baby, my beloved cat daughter-Carly.

She had shown up on the porch of the old house where I lived and my room mate saving her from the cold-kept her in a basement for some months.

It took those months for me to take notice of this tiny, six toed kitty with the giant sad eyes and the perfect brown heart on her back. But once I did notice her, I loved her with all my heart.

The first night at my new apartment, she decided the extra pillow next to my pillow would be her favorite spot. So for 10 sweet months my little friend slept with her cheek next to mine, sometimes I even held her paw as I slept. And faithfully each morning she did something I could hardly believe-she seemed to wrap her paws around my neck and give me a hug and she would cover my face in little kitty kisses.

Her health had never been good but in the last few months I watched in fearful dread as she became more feeble. The night before New Years Eve, she started having trouble walking.  I stayed up most of the night holding her paws and crying, just watching her.

I never wanted those precious moments to end.

“You are still here…” I kept saying with a grateful heart.

The next morning I took her to the vet and they agreed it was time.

I can’t explain the pain I felt, watching her tiny body go lifeless once they gave her the shot.

“We will take good care of her…” The vet tech said kindly trying to offer me some sort of comfort.

But I could take no comfort. Sobs racked my chest and tears blurred my eyes with mascara.

Just as I kissed her goodbye, my phone dinged. A friend from church, who had no idea what had just happened… texted me a question…

“Did I want to go up towards the beginning or end with my church act for the talent show, later that night?”

I had offered to read a writing of mine for the church talent show. And now, what was I to do?

In the past, when adversity has hits me, I press the cancel button.

Everything must come to a screeching halt so I can cry and cry and listen to sad music. Plans and promises go out the window-all that matters is me and my my pain right?? It’s all about me.

But in this season of my life, I have watched my Pastor lose his beloved father and watched as he and his siblings bravely marched on for God with broken but cheerful hearts. They never allowed trials or sorrow to set them back, get bitter, or give up on God.

My Pastor cared more for his flock then for himself and for that we were all richly blessed by his example.

It has been a life changing thing to watch.

The vet tech walks me outside and I am alone.

But I am not alone. God is with me always.

And He has given me a church family and He has given me a purpose.

For such a time as this… He gives all of His children a special purpose.

They need acts for the talent show and I had said I would help.

Shall I crumble and wallow in my pain or shall I soldier on?

Cripple myself like usual or do something new and think of others more then myself?

I go home and later I walk to Center City. A river of grace, following the river of tears earlier- surrounds me-giving me hope and strength.

As I walk, I am in wonder of God’s ways-so higher then my own. I had always pictured the day I lost Carly that my best friend from south Philly would walk it out with me. But she isn’t even part of my life this day.

Instead-incredibly- it is my mom who steps up to the plate to encourage me on this most difficult day! My mom is now there in a huge way. She cries for me, she tells me to call her at any hour of the night, she encourages me in the Lord!

God has made her a main character on this sad page of my life story. It isn’t how I would have pictured it but it is good because God is good.

On the bus to my church, as the pain comes remembering Carly, my flesh has a fleeting thought that a cigarette and a beer might be nice, it is New Years Eve after all… I could easily stop into a bar.

But no! I haven’t smoked in nearly 16 years or more and I have decided not to mess with alcohol anymore. That isn’t what God wants for me and I know it! He wants me to stay pure and clean and not go back to wallowing in the mud and dealing with pain in these ways. His way is the best way!

Best is getting to my church and feeling the warmth of their love and support. Best is my Pastor’s excellent sermon which spoke to everything I have been through in 2019.

Best is getting to read one of my favorite pieces of writings in the small and humble talent show. Best is seeing my amazing friends Michelle and her husband perform as a team act…

Best is learning a new godly life skill and that is: Walking in God’s grace in the middle of grief. Staying busy with God’s people, focusing on others, walking forward in God’s purposes for your life-these are some of the ways grief  can be healed, our souls  refreshed, and our minds renewed.

Ephesians 4- paraphrased- …to be made new in the attitudes of your minds…

No better time to be renewed then the start of a New Year! 🙂

 

2 Starbucks Later…

 

 

Main Characters

 

I am so glad the Lord has given me the heart of a writer, for it truly helps me see life in a unique way.

In the book of my life as in everyone’s life, there have been major and minor characters. Souls that have forever left an imprint on my own soul and who have impacted me in ways that will last for eternity.

One such character I shall call my favorite person of all time has been removed once again from the pages of my days. One moment, a previous chapter before we walked together through the streets of south Philly, bowed over in laughter. Soul sisters, we enjoyed one another’s company so very much and it seemed…

It seemed we would never have to be separated again yet…

The author of my story  has determined this main character should be missing once more.

There is a hole in my heart left from this characters departure that I know Jesus wants to fill. Even though I brought about the departure by my own foolishness, I trust that God is allowing it for reasons that remain unseen. I have a sense that it for the preparation of something profound.

I know a main character in my life, my friend Tania and I were at one point and time, inseparable. I could not bear the thought of losing my friend but then there came several times that God allowed us to be separated for years at a time.

Little did I know,  we were being prepared to be separated by countries as one day she packed up and moved to China. We had so many rocky times, so many fights, so many times when I gave up on the friendship altogether. But one thing I noticed is no matter if we give up on the character and no longer see why they are even part of our story- if God wants them to be in the plot-they will remain.

For He has the final edit.

I hang onto this hope as my heart misses the main character from my book- the epic friendship character who showed me the love, patience, faithfulness, and kindness that I never knew as a child. I think of Sami and Frodo in Lord of the Rings and their epic journey and in one line I think Frodo says something like, “There would be no Frodo without a Sami…” How I can relate and as I type away, how I hope someday the epic journey will begin again in a new chapter.

Until that day, I am in a new chapter and I eagerly await to see what new main characters walk over the beautiful green hill of my story and begin to appear in my sight. I already see two possible characters making their way towards me.

I spy their faces from a distant and I love them already.

For they have been written in my story from the beginning.

Country Without an Anchor

I have yet to write a patriotic blog but hey there’s a first for everything… So here I go.

Walking from West Philly to Center City yesterday I spied an American flag high up in the sky and for a few moments it fluttered untethered,  from one building to another, looking for a place where it could stand proudly once more.

In that moment watching our flag I couldn’t help but feel a pang of sorrow for the country that I love as I watch it slowly coming more and more undone and unanchored from any love or respect for God or even itself.

I wasn’t always a patriotic person, in fact I was just the opposite. I was a lawless and angry anarchist who happened to believe America was ‘evil’ and ‘corrupt’. Coming from  a broken home where there were no examples of good authority, lead me down this path of rebellion and fury. I tended to view people in positions of authority as ‘fascists’. I was really into using that word and label on people.

But the fact was, I was the one who behaved like a fascist. Nothing like self-righteousness to make one completely intolerant.

And I believe it’s probably no different for the black clad Antifa members I watch now on  the news.

I watch as they attack peaceful Trump supporters and I grieve for the way Americans are attacking their fellow Americans. I truly believe there are large parts of our media who are working to turn us against one another. The media for the most part is working to destroy our president, a president who despite his flaws, happens to want the best for our country.  He also happens to be benevolent towards Christians and has a simple respect for God that this world can not stand and will not stand for  in 2019 without a vicious fight.

Not knowing that as they fight against President Trump, they are fighting against God Himself…  Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Romans 13:1

I see President Trump as God’s mercy on our country and for however long he stays in office, I will be grateful.

It’s old news that most of our country has turned their backs on God long ago so it is no wonder we are almost daily bombarded with news of mass shootings and people walking around absolutely unhinged.

Children and generations are being raised without any fear of God whatsoever so it is only inevitable that horrible crimes will go on being committed by hardhearted youths.

The only thing powerful enough to change a hardhearted sinner is Jesus Himself.  He is the great anchor and in Him we as a country would find peace, blessings, and security.

As a born again Christian, there is only so much we can do to impact politics and the future of this country.  But we do have the small sphere of influence that God has given  each one of us to impact the lives around us and we have the ability to stay anchored in the One who does not change with the times, Jesus Christ.

 

 

which

The Breaking Healer

Come let us return to the Lord: for he hath torn, and he will heal us; he hath smitten, and he will bind us up. Hosea 6:1

“It is the Lord’s way to tear before he heals.” Charles Spurgeon

“Oh, come on Angie… God has better things to do then worry about then healing my torn shoulder.” A relative of mine scoffed recently as I implored him over the phone to once again, give his life to Jesus and after I shared about recent physical healing I experienced.

“No, that’s not true-God cares! He cares so much about the little things, the little things that mean so much to us…” I said before saying goodbye, hanging up the phone, and pondering the hardheartedness of my relative.

As I looked out the window after that talk, I touched my right hand shoulder with my left hand in quiet wonder, remembering what had happened the week before…

In my morning devotions I had been remembering the words my pastor had used to describe Jesus on the cross, how ALL of His bones had been dislocated. The weightiness of that reality had suddenly been made alive to me.

I began to cry and worship…

“Oh, Jesus, I know what it is to have a bone dislocated… I have a bad shoulder.” I prayed this in all sincerity or what I thought was sincerity.

And then I went about my day.

A few hours later I met with a man who I will call V.  He had been a great help to me and for a thank you gift I had brought him a thank you card and Bible wrapped in tissue paper. Knowing he was Jewish, I was really excited to encourage him to search the scriptures for the truth.

“So I guess, this is goodbye.” I smiled feeling grateful for his work.

“Oh, I hope this isn’t goodbye…”  He said.

Then it happened. My mind and my heart began to gallop ahead of me. I let them race even though I knew-he was a non Christian man.

The few words he spoke which I am sure he meant nothing by but to be friendly along with his kind and attentive personality gave me an excuse to let my heart run wild.

As we got ready to say goodbye, I stood up, reached into my backpack for the Bible which was hanging on a hook on the wall and in that moment my bad shoulder tore itself lose and dislocated.

There was no logical reason! I hadn’t strained it or even pulled it in any strange way.

Yet there I was.

Paralyzed and in excruciating pain, I just stood there unable to move and unable to get my shoulder to relocate. In the past with some painful effort I have been able to pop it back in but this time was different.

I leaned against the wall in shock and pain, eyes clenched as people surrounded me asking if I wanted the paramedics.

“No…” I moaned.

Finally, a man suggested I try sitting down and maybe I could get it in that way.

I sat down, lifted my arm again and by the grace of God, it snapped back in. Feeling very defeated and humbled, I handed the Bible to V at last and we exchanged a goodbye hug.

The sun was out when I left the office where we had met but I was shivering in pain.

“Lord why?” I asked feeling beyond puzzled.

A little later I called my friend and shared my tale of woe.

“Well, it’s like in the morning in your devotions you were crying to Jesus, ‘Hoseanna’ and then later, letting your affections run wild for an unsaved man, you were like to Jesus, ‘Crucify him’…” My friend replied in a plain way.

What she said made perfect sense.

And it made sense to me also that God wasn’t going to allow me to behave that way.

God has His own ways of getting our attention.

So now I had a weak and unstable shoulder to deal with and no health insurance.  I prayed in faith for God’s healing and my church prayed in love for me too and then a friend invited me to a good Friday service at her church.

I was glad to go and see her husband preach the service and afterwards her and I sat in a pew catching up.

“Can I lay hands on your shoulder and pray for you?” She asked.

“Sure!” I replied. And in that moment we prayed in a simple faith and left the outcome to God.

That was Friday. I woke up the following Monday feeling no pain in my shoulder at all.

Could it be??

My shoulder was healed!! The pain was gone. Where it had felt weak and unstable-it felt strong and stable!!

How grateful I was!! I believe that God did the tearing but in His goodness and mercy also provided the healing.

In January, I lost the person I love most in this world. This person was torn from my side and it broke me.

But I choose to believe it is because there are parts of me that are like how my shoulder was: weak and unstable.

Some things have to be torn away to get our attention.

And how can we know God as a healer, if we are not first broken?

 

 

Scooped Up and Away

“There is no University for a Christian, like that of sorrow and trial.” Charles Spurgeon

A month ago…

“Angie, the ducks are coming!”  the sweet three year old baby girl I nanny stands to her feet looking across the water in growing alarm.

The brown ducks she greatly fears are swimming closer.

We are at the zoo on a grey February day. I too feel a great sweeping alarm cut through my heart as I look across the pond-not because of the ducks but because of a memory.

It was only a matter of months ago that my best friend and I had crashed our paddle boats onto the shores of this pond in laughter, the summer sun shining down on us.

Could it really be?

Could she really be gone?

Alarm and sorrow fill my heart all at once. It still seems too shocking to be true.

I remember how even the sweltering heat hadn’t taken away from our happiness that day-there was crankiness but in the end we were glad. Glad for one another’s company. Now, instead of sunshine, I watch as the icy wind blows dead leaves onto the shore.

“Angie!!” the baby cries, tears filling her eyes as the ducks begin their march towards us, she tugs on my shirt, breaking the memory.

Seeing her distress, I scoop her up and begin to run. I run in such a fashion as we are running for our lives. I look back and see the ducks waddling after us and begin to laugh  despite myself. I begin to laugh and laugh which causes the baby to laugh.

“Should we get some food and get warm?” I ask giving her a hug and wiping both our tears away.

If I, a sinful human being cares about ducks scaring this baby-how much more does God care about the cries of His children?

And how quickly seasons and people can change?

I ponder these thoughts.

Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath! Selah Psalm 39:5

One day my life was the same as all the days before.

For 6 sweet years my best friend was but a phone call away, always there, she seemed as much a part of my life as one of my very limbs. She was everything exceedingly above all the I could have have asked or hoped for in a friend.

Always she was there.

Then one day…

A phone call…

crashing to my knees

No. This can’t be reality

But then, a new reality

and she is gone.

I can not see through my tears and fears which way to go but then the

arms

of my Heavenly Father are there, scooping me up…

and He begins to carry me away.

“I’m sorry my child, it must be this severe but there is no other way to cut this tie.”

“Oh, Father please don’t take her away from me…” I plead.

“We must go. Your life has already been written by My hand.”

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16

Thankfully for me, God wrote the most loving of friends into the plots of  my darkest tragedies.

“Ang, please come back to us. We love you. We need you too ya know?”  My dear friend Jimmy pleads as he listens to me sob.

Gone.

I had become a ghost upon losing my friend. My cheerful and bubbly demeanor was replaced by a pale sorrow.

But even a ghost has to keep moving.

But how to survive pain?

You move forward one step at a time. Even it means just taking a shower and going grocery shopping. God will bless these small acts of obedience and soon begin to paint the pale in with vibrant new colors.

Life with God must keep moving forward despite the pain, despite the unwanted surprises.

Like the baby petrified of ducks- we are babes too-giving too much power  to mere created things and forgetting the strong and capable love of our Heavenly Father.

Only He remains unchanging, only He will care about our cries, when all human ears have shut.

“Cheer up Christian! Things are not left to chance: no blind fate rules the world. God hath purposes, and those purposes are full-filled. God hath plans, and those plans are wise, and never can be dislocated.” Charles Spurgeon

 

 

 

The Hardest Worship of All

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy to God, well-pleasing, which is your spiritual worship. Romans 12:1

Kneeling on my bedroom floor and lifting my hands to the sky I earnestly sing the lyrics to: ‘I Offer My Life,’ by Hillsong…
“All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before You,
Oh Lord…
…Lord, I offer my life to You
Everything I’ve been through, use it to your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You as a
Pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life…”
Yes, Lord Yes! I sing, eyes closed, shaking my head. He showed my friend Anna and I so much truth the night before. It has brought me to a place of repentance! Just listen to my singing, listen to those beautiful words. Surely I have been brought to a place of change! I mean my heart is just filled with worship.
Or is it??
Moments later… an a email from a family I baby sit for, am I available to baby sit in Feb.? I look at the date and realize that’s one of the days I return from my vacation . I hesitate and quickly type back I am unavailable.
The scripture attached to the end of the email jabs at my heart. They are fellow believers probably much in need of a date night. I chew my bottom lip and sit my phone down.

Back to my worship session…

But in my distraction I check a text that comes in from my employer and friend with my weekly schedule attached. I do a double take, no no no it can’t be true!
I have to work on Friday!
I usually have Fridays off…

My heart sinks. I stare and stare at my schedule in disbelief. To say I treasure having Fridays off is an understatement. I turn down the worship music and begin to pout.

Oh, Lord, I work so hard during the week, I neeeeeeeeeeeeeed Fridays off.

Then the battle for my emotions begins, it’s my corrupt flesh versus the Holy Spirit… Who will I allow to take over?
Who will I walk after…
This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Galatians 5:16
For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. Galatians 5:17
And boy is it ever a battle!! As I get ready to feel sad all day over this supposed tragedy, I stir up the fear of the Lord. I know He reminded me recently that murmuring and complaining kindles His anger. I have felt the hand of God against me before and there is no one in this world who can stand against it. Just a pin drop of His anger is enough to bring you crashing down to your knees.
Just this morning I woke up whining in my heart…Oh, whoa is me, another Valentines Day single is about to come upon me. But then I remembered, I will be returning from a vacation to Florida the day before Valentines Day!
I truly understand why the Lord warned the Israelites to not forget Him when He brought them into the land flowing with milk and honey. It’s so easy to forget where we have come from, it’s so easy to forget that we were just lost worms, squiggling around in the mud before salvation! Or as Anna reminded me of a lyric from a Pink Floyd song: …“Two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.”
Sometimes you have to reason outloud with yourself.
“Don’t even start feeling sorry for yourself about Valentines Day! You are getting a second trip to Florida for goodness sake! God has given this trip to you as a gift. You have a place to stay for free.
What more do you want??”
I understand how it was that the Egyptians cried over some onions and I don’t mean the kind of crying that comes from cutting them on a cutting board. I mean the kind of crying that comes when you allow yourself to become so spoiled and ungrateful that the blessings of God just don’t seem like enough.
Recently, I was crying over something so ridiculous. I am so glad the Lord used my friend to check me because I was not only being absurd but being so ungrateful is a dangerous place to be.
If you have ever tasted what it is to be away from God so that it seems He won’t even hear your cries and then one joyful day He takes you back into the fold, then you have to learn how to hold onto that joy all your days and don’t let it go. Remember, remember what you came from. Even on the days when you are called to sacrifice whatever seems dearest to you.
Because that is true worship.
To give back to Him because He has given everything to you, including His only Son.

Back to the text, back to the thing so precious to me, my free time.

I talk to myself once again…”I couldn’t ask for a nicer person to work for, she treats me like family, and this is the best job I have ever had, they pay me well and this allows me to do all of the things I love. And more then any of that, I love them! What a beautiful and special family God has given me to know and serve. And God will be with me on Friday giving me all of the grace and strength I need for a long week.

With that I resign myself to accept my assignment. It is the least I can do.

Some sweet day I won’t just sing the lyrics to “I Offer My Life” but I will be living them and that will be a true offer of worship.

 

The Power to Build and the power to break

Source: The Power to Build and the power to break

A quick lesson in humility

…your right hand has supported me, and your gentleness has made me great. Psalm 18:35

“You have a fifteen minute grace period to arrive here ma’am…” a female receptionist told me over the line as I peered at my Uber driver in the rearview mirror.

“Do you think we will make it in 15 minutes?” I asked trying not to sound too hurried.

“Yeah, we have plenty of time.” My driver replied as the light turned green and we moved ahead of a line of traffic. She was right, we arrived at my new doctor’s office two minutes later.
Jumping out of the car, I ran into the building of my new doctor’s office and hit the button for the third floor.
Recently, I found out my regular doctor in Chinatown was no longer covered under my new plan. So here I was entering into a new office which I quickly labeled ‘lower class‘. The patients in the waiting room looked poor, tired and weary to me. Gone were the shining white walls and peppy looking Asian staff and patients from my old office.
Suddenly, there I was, clothed in Ross Dress for Less and sporting a dye job gone wrong, $20 sunglasses held together by super glue and feeling superior to the people in the waiting room???
How did this happen?
“Oh, well.” I thought settling into a waiting room chair and flipping open a magazine.
But something wasn’t right…
Was it the shabby décor, or the tired looking patients?
No, neither. The problem was my attitude. I had grieved the Holy Spirit in me and I knew it.
“I’m sorry God for being so judgmental…” I prayed silently in my mind, waiting for my name to be called.
In a few moments I was back in exam room, waiting to get my A1C test done, which is a blood test that shows whether or not you are at risk for diabetes. But by God’s grace, I thought to call my health insurance first to see if this test or any blood work would be covered for that matter.
Good thing I called! Come to find out, no blood work was covered, not one red drop. Anger swelled up in my heart. How do I pay $150 a month in health insurance and get nothing in return!?
Just then another doctor joined us in the room and together they devised a plan. They administered two tests and not only did the blood work come back healthy but the tests were both for free!
I was floored at once by God’s provision for me and how He had worked in the two doctors to get me what I needed! I thanked the doctors profusely and gave them tracts. They had given me a free gift and how I longed that they might receive God’s free gift of salvation.
Glad it all worked out, I went to pay my bill only to discover from the front desk my insurance didn’t cover a primary visit until I completed a $7,000 deductible! I felt helpless, tears trickled down my face.
“I thought my insurance covered this visit for sure…” I said shaking my head in disbelief. The receptionist, whom I had quickly judged earlier as part of a so called lower class, nodded at me sympathetically. She motioned to another woman who in the most kind way tried to explain my insurance to me.

“Sweetie, we are going to have you sit down with our social worker so she can get you on the right path.” The woman explained as another woman motioned me to her office.

Social worker??

But aren’t those for the poor and struggling?

Not necessarily and besides that, anyone clutching a tissue and unable to pay for their doctor’s visit might need a bit of help.

So there I sat with the social worker. Humbled, just like I needed to be.

I still live on Westminster Ave, Philadelphia not Westminster Abby London as I would like to fancy myself.
Yes, God has brought me to a better place in life but I still need to keep a grip on where I have come from which is nothing.
Everything I have, God has given me.
The social worker so kind and patient, finally helped me to understand my insurance and persuaded me in wisdom not to cancel my plan then and there.

“There is tissue there if you need some,” she said smiling gently as I struggled to accept how crappy my Blue Cross Bronze Health coverage really is.

Our meeting wrapped up at last and as I walked outside in the late summer air, I could only shake my head at God’s wisdom with me. The way He teaches His children is both gentle and perfect. I am so thankful for Him showing me He had kind hearted people in this place which looked rough around the edges. I needed to see this so I could have a right heart and perspective, two things that can bring two more: peace and joy. J

Although the office only gave me a 15 minute grace period to make my appointment, in the end they gave more grace then they even could know because the greatest Physician of all, Jesus, had an unexpected appointment with my heart.

 

Glitter or a Heart of Gold

Source: Glitter or a Heart of Gold